Neko Case ::: photo by Abbey Simmons

Oh, the cruel games we play.

Do you enjoy mind-stimulating activities such as Soduku, New York Times Crossword Puzzles and/or Apples to Apples? If so, then you deserve a pat on the back and possibly an invitation to tutor me in a few of those areas. Especially in regard to crossword puzzles, I’m so terrible I don’t ever see myself leaving the “word find” circuit.  Luckily for people like me, there is alternative mind-stimulating game that accurately judges the content of someone’s character in three simple words. Marry. Fuck. Kill. If you want to call into question a friend’s lack of taste in other human beings, flawed thought process or how well they react under pressure, you play this game.

If you’re not familiar, let me clue you in.  You are given three options and you select “marry, fuck, kill” depending on what fictional scenario you may or may not want to happen in reality. However, I’m going to change some of the terminology. America is founded on Puritan belief (and the decimation of native populations) and I feel like we all need to get back to our Puritan roots. In keeping with the Puritan tradition, I’m changing “fuck” to “copulate with genuine feelings of desire” and I’m changing “kill” to “feverishly ignore.” Puritans had no problems with the idea of marriage, so I’m going to leave that be. I know I should have created more of an accurate “Marry.Fuck.Kill.” scenario using spreadsheets with color coded cells to signify scheduling conflicts, but those plans didn’t fit in my budget. Below the musical acts are broken down into the following categories. Some acts will just be listed while others will have brief descriptions. Enjoy.

Bands you want to “Marry” – These are bands you’ve already loved (or should have loved) for a long time,  now you’re ready to make that everlasting commitment.  You have long ignored all the flaws and blemishes related to these acts due to your blinding love for them.  They might have disappointed you with a few bad songs, a bad album or a lackluster live performance, but you stand by them because you’re suffering from the most fortunate chemical imbalance there is, love.

Bands you want to “Copulate with Genuine Feelings of Desire” – These are the bands that you’re just killing time with. Maybe you’re waiting for a more desirable band to start their set or maybe you’ve had one too many PBR’s and suddenly that bassist with the nose ring is looking hot! Easy tiger, keep your cool. You don’t want to wake up in the morning with schwag from a band that you’re not sure you like.  I’m not saying these bands aren’t worth your undivided attention, I’m just not sure you’ll have a long-term relationship with them.  Make no mistake if you find love here, I’ll be happy for you.

Bands you want to “Feverishly Ignore” – I’m not saying these bands suck, but now might be the perfect time to pretend to be having a meaningful text message conversation far away from the stage.

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