Love makes us do crazy things

It’s the most wonderful marketable consumer-friendly romantic ”holiday” of the year. Happy Valentine’s Day! For those who didn’t want to hear that from me, I’m so sorry. Can I get you a moist toilette to sop up the salty streaks that are cascading down your face? Don’t you hate when your tear ducts don’t know how to behave? Stop being such a sad, bitter troll. Go to Hot Topic and buy yourself some novelty wristbands. I have been informed accessorizing heals all wounds.

Before I get to all my fake totally non-fiction, 100% legit, you-wrote-them-not-me mailbag, I need to ask the following questions. Gentle readers, how does your love life look? If it were one of the following celebrity choices, which one would you choose?

A) Are you Joe Perry during his days as a solo artist? (Hey man, The Joe Perry Project ruled. Don’t ask me to look you in the eyes and say that.) Tired of sharing the limelight with your formerly “awesome” spouse (who may or may not have had serious drug problems), you have decided to head down life’s highway without someone who’s instantly recognizable riding shotgun. Suddenly even your closest friends pretend not to know who you are. You might want to get Linda Perry (unrelated) to pen a song for you in order that your matters of the heart are quickly reconciled (Read – #1 Billboard hit single or a hot date on the town. Whatever works, baby).

B) Are you Al Davis (god rest his soul) the night before the 2007 NFL Draft? Pundits are telling you not to draft JaMarcus Russell just because he can throw a football 60+ yards while sitting down on a grassy field. You tell those talking heads to, “Go fly a fucking kite!” (You’re Al Davis, kite-flying was a joy when you were a small child circa 1821) That’s precisely why you’re investing an ungodly amount of money and your future on his professionalism… because of what Mr. Russell can do while sitting down. You’ve had success in the past (John Madden doesn’t have video games named after him if it weren’t for you), nobody that isn’t committed to excellence should tell you how to live your (love) life. You’re not “delusional” because you don’t remember archiving that word when you wrote the beginnings of the Oxford Dictionary in June of 1857.

C) You are Adele at the Grammys in 2012 and you are killing everything. You decided to take everyone else’s Grammy because you’re Adele and that’s what you do. By music industry standards you are Godzilla and everyone else is Godzuki (meaning their existence is limited to a Hanna-Barbara animated series that took place between 1978-1981). This year, not only are you a six-time Grammy award winner with nuclear breath an astonishing voice, but it has been scientifically confirmed that all women under the age of 30 love you.

D) You are Andy Dick. Nobody really remembers you besides that funny role you had on Just Shoot Me! Oh wait, that was David Spade. You are Andy Dick…and ehh….all you do is get arrested now…?

E) You are Kristen Bell and on the verge of becoming America’s Sweetheart my latest celebrity crush. I don’t even know who you are or what you do. Some might argue you’re an actress but I think you might be the inspiration behind the song “This Little Light of Mine.” One thing is for certain, you like sloths and that’s very ok with me.

To the mailbag!

Dear Phil,

I’m new to the city and I have nothing to do on Valentine’s evening? What should I do besides binge on romantic comedies and an entire season of Swamp People?

- I Love Swamp People

Dear Swamp People,

Normally I would just tell you to go to Earl’s and troll the hell out of unsuspecting undergraduates based on their ability to make questionable decisions. However, you are new to this part of the world. A sterling reputation isn’t something you can regain easily in this small town. Here are four legitimate options for your Valentine’s Day evening. May the trouble you get into never leave the confines of a bedroom or a jail cell.

A Black Lodge Prom – This isn’t a corsage! It’s an anarchistic floral arrangement under the guise of social customs impressed upon me by the powers that be! Duh. Ladies, I expect you to look marvelous as always. Gents, I want you to try and look nicer than the ladies! (As we should because we are less attractive and therefore have to work harder) Let us not forget that there are bands that will create the ambiance to your spiked-punch slow dance. Country Lips and Party Tribe Trolls are among the merrymakers. Your last chance for romance starts at 8:30pm.

Love Songs – This delightful soiree will take place at the Columbia City Theater. What’s going to be happen? Love Songs being performed by Kaylee Cole, Matt Bishop of Hey Marseilles and Tim Wilson of Ivan and Alyosha. What do you think the odds are of all these performers gathering together to close out the evening with Converge’s “The Saddest Day”? I heard the list of tunes is quite eclectic mind-melting. Love is a battlefield. Anything can happen. The potential for crying alone begins again at 7:30pm.

Valentine’s Against Violence – Spread adulation to those who need it most. I promise someone there will be someone impressed with the growth of your grinch heart. Side Saddle and others will be performing at The Sunset in Ballard. All the band’s proceeds will be donated to New Beginnings, a local shelter that provides service to battered women and their children. There will also be a raffle (who doesn’t love a good raffle?) of items from local Ballard shops and stores. Entry is $8. However, if bring one of the items on the New Beginnings wish list (check that out by clicking on the event name), it’s only $5. Are you ready to be altruistic and selfish all at the same time? The show starts at 9pm. 

Valentine’s Day Benefit – The Comet Tavern is hosting this benefit for the Jubilee Women’s Center on Capital Hill. Vox Mod, Lisa Dank , and Zephyrs. Grab a beer. Learn how your admission fee is positively impacting someone else’s life. Get your freak on to the funky tunes. Go home with a smile on your face. The process is set to begin at 9pm.

Read the rest of our love-filled Valentine’s Day Mail Bag (more…)