Merry Moondoggies ::: photo by Abbey Simmons

I get tired of writing about the same bands all the time. Just as I’m sure you get tired of reading me write about the same bands over and over again. So what do you think I did for this holiday season? I wrote a letter to the North Pole offering Santa free MP3′s and political kickbacks for extravagant presents and asked Santa if he had a resident music expert elf (preferably one that used to write for Pitchfork) that would like to contribute to our website. In response I got an autographed photo of New York Yankees great Derek Jeter (I would have preferred a lump of coal) and the services of Bennington, the pretentious music critic elf. Enjoy.

Dear Sound on the Sound Readers,

I have been asked by your Christian demi-god of retail and a hack-riffic blogger to give you previews for all the holiday related shows happening in Seattle over the course of the next few days. I’m an Elf. If there’s one thing I know besides pouring maple syrup over everything (where do you think gigantic elf Will Ferrell got that hilarious act from?), it’s what people living in first world countries should do with their time during the holidays. Why do we give special consideration to those living in industrialized nations? Because Santa and Co. have a sweet deal with the IMF and the World Bank. Third World Countries can go kick rocks.

Three Imaginary Girls Holiday Party on Friday @ CCT

Did you know that there’s more than three girls (and boys) working for “Three Imaginary Girls”? They’ll never let their identity be known because they’re superheroes. I’m afraid you’ll have to venture to their holiday party at the Columbia City Theater to find out exactly what’s going on. TIG, has a procured a pop friendly lineup consisting of Eef Barzelay (of Clem Snide), Mal de Mer (who have a song with the same name as the greatest Nintendo game ever) and The Heligoats. Don’t be afraid to make your presence known on the south side of town. “Pop” is no longer a dirty word (it took some time but it finally forgave U2).

Worlds Collide at the Black Lodge on Friday Night

What happens when you take a fiercely catchy band, with a horrible band name (Livingston Seagull) and put them on the same bill with an awesome band, with an awesome band name (White Coward)?!? Then you add two other bands (Sloths, Heavy Flow) that have websites but you don’t have the frickin’ time to check them out because Prancer and Blitzen have decided to go on strike (and run off to Cabo, the audacity!). and Santa is being a complete hard-ass about the entire affair. You may think his anger is reindeer union related, but I’m telling you it has everything to do with the fact that Mrs. Claus is currently infatuated with the Black Lodge. It’s unhealthy I tell you.

The Cops Ruin Christmas (Again) Friday Night at The Tractor

Cops can ruin any joyous situation in a hurry. However, this “on-again off-again, wait, are they on again” Seattle quartet are probably the only group of law enforcement that you should be happy to see on a Friday night. I don’t usually see The Cops when they play during other times of the year but their December shows are always a good time. Plus, they are playing with the always entertaining Hopscotch Boys. In other words, shit is going to get weird quickly. I expect to see exotic animals that have been mounted and stuffed, lots of awful looking Christmas sweaters, people smoking cigarettes outside the venue, bartenders pouring stiff drinks, Lady Gaga doing a duet with Jawz (not Mike from the Cops, the actual James Bond villain) and much, much more. Besides, it’s Ballard, the happiest place on Earth. Haters are gonna hate….

The rest of Bennington’s Holiday Show Recommendations (more…)