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October 28, 2011

Your Halloween Weekend as a One-Sided Conversation

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We Wrote the Book on Connectors as Beastie Boys ::: photo by Josh Lovseth

Some traditions die hard should have never been started. Last year I gave you a Halloween weekend preview that was basically a third party eavesdropping on a hipster having a conversation on his cellular phone. This year will be a different. You will hear from a great white shark that has political ambitions that may involve the Oval Office…

Yes, you read that correctly.

The object of man’s darkest water related fears will give a political speech directly related to the blessed conundrum of having too much music to see and only one pair of eyes to experience it with. You come to Sound on the Sound for respectable writing and you get this!?! It’s Halloween, my parents aren’t around and I can do what I want!

[Scene shows a large fish tank at the entrance of Wild Waves. The tank has a spiderweb of microphones hanging above it, the audio machinery is hoping to capture the sentences of this politically savvy deep sea predator. The Sound on the Sound camera pans around the parking lot and spots an abundance of media trucks with its lens. Suddenly the shark stops "pacing" the tank, anchors itself in one place and begins to speak.] Mr. White: Some of you may wonder why I have called this press conference all of you here today and I’m here to answer the question that I’m assuming is on your human mind. I’m here to make a speech that addresses the issues.

[Mr. White stops speaking and does a methodical lap around the tank.]

Mr. White: I’m a shark, when it comes to media relations I am mostly ignorant. Is it proper to call a press conference in order to make a speech? I’m really not sure. All I know is third party candidates don’t have the luxury of debates leading up to primaries and presenting State of the Union addresses to a doting nation. This event is actually paid for by “Sharks Against Campaigns to Give Human Rights to Orcas.” PETA is a fascist organization that does not give equal consideration to sharks. My contentious relationship with that agency is neither here or nor there. Like I said I’m here to talk about the issues.

[Mr. White stops to swim to the surface and to see if there are any PETA protesters in attendance.]

Mr. White: This weekend is Halloween weekend. Many of the events that are taking place and are related to the every day lives of the voters. If you did not realize this, now you do. If you are below the age of 18 I suggest you turn your Ipod off and tune in, shit is about to get real even though you are not old enough to vote. For instance, the Black Lodge is having a benefit show tonight that features Numb and Mercy Ties. I tell you this because I am pro-small business and independent industry. The Black Lodge has done many a service for being a great DIY venue that routinely has all ages shows. If something were to happen to this place, what would you do? Where would you go? You tell me you’d hang out in Belltown but I don’t believe you.  Sharks may not be chimpanzees but we are not dinosaurs either. Literally. Don’t let those other two political parties tell you they are for all-ages shows when I think their record speaks for itself. They are for money and that’s it. Personally I don’t care about monetary symbols, I care about blood in the water. That is my priority and that my friends, is a selfish agenda you can trust.

[Mr. White stops speaking to detect if there is indeed blood in the water.]

Mr. White: Did you see that? I already fulfilled a campaign promise. Also happening tonight is the ten year anniversary show of Glenn or Glennda? happening at the Croc. Individuals like myself that are big-time players in political shuffleboard can appreciate the innovate legacy that the aforementioned act has crafted over the past decade. They took an old idea and twisted gender-bended it into their own creation. They tested the market and passed with flying colors. People want to talk about raising taxes and job creation, what about shifting chromosomes in order to achieve annual entertainment for nostalgic punk rockers? Glenn or Glennda can’t resign just yet, they are a pillar of the ghost and goblin community. I propose another term. I also believe that Strong Killings and Steel Tigers of Death second that notion by offering their support for this anniversary engagement.

[The affable great white stops to contemplate what he meant look like as a cross-dressing member of the Misfits. These are the kind of thoughts that go through politicians minds during media events. Duh.]

Read the Rest of Phil Mr. White’s Halloween recommendations (more…)

July 23, 2011

Choose Your Own Adventure: Capitol Hill Block Party – Saturday

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Beat Connection ::: photo by Josh Lovseth

(Here’s what happened to you on Friday.)

You know what the most unfortunate thing about the “Saturday” of Block Party is? The fact that it starts at doors start 1pm. The number of people bitching about the hot nice weather blackouts will undoubtedly increase. You don’t care what children do before they enter the festival gates. You’re on a mission to do two things:

1) Finish your brunchfast at Table 219. 2) Find out if some really did punch the lead singer from Kings of Leon in the mouth. You must find the assailant and carry him/her on your shoulders for the rest of the day like the true rulers of the schoolyard that they are.

There’s no rush to get to everyone’s favorite all-day hyper-local shitshow. Hasau sounds like every other indie rock band that is currently playing music in the year before Mayan Doomsday ends all of our lives. To some this will be a pleasant set, but you’d prefer something that is not as bland as chewing a wet paper bag with more flavor.

He Whose Ox Is Gored were just crowned Grudge Rock champions only a matter of months ago. You enjoy their Nightshade EP but you really wish the band would play their songs three times faster than they do. If Red Bull were kind enough to sponsor He Whose Ox Is Gored, thus giving them “wings” and unknowingly helping you achieve your hidden goal, they’d be one of the best bands in Seattle. Instead, you’re going to skip them and let your food digest in Cal Anderson park.

Eventually, you head back inside the safe confines of a music festival that you feel will be absolutely underwhelming today.

You glance down at your smartphone to check out who should be the background soundtrack to your feverish people watching. You try not to gaze too much longer at your palm-sized example of advanced technology because some jerk keeps on spilling their expensive beer on your shoes. You spy a name on the schedule that is dear to your heart.

SPORTS.

Read the rest of your adventure (more…)

April 7, 2011

Grudge Rock! Grenades vs. He Whose Ox Is Gored

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Two bands. Two sets. One prize. In the words of Johnathan Davis Are you ready?

For those who do not know but better ask somebody, Grudge Rock is done in the mold of the legendary television game show “Family Feud”. No need to fret, Mr. Richard Dawson and his polyester suits will not be making an appearance. Louis Anderson, Steve Harvey and Ray Combs will not be asking your relatives to step up to the podium. Ladies and gentlemen, this is rock and roll, therefore this game show must be  executed accordingly. Every first Thursday of the month,  Jake Stratton (former vocalist for legendary band Blood Hag) brings two bands together to fight to the death answer questions and play music for the warm bodies in attendance. The semantics of delightful mayhem:

The questioning of bands will be split into halves. Each half consists of approximately 5 questions for your giggling pleasure. At the end of the first half, whoever is winning gets to decide whether or not they want to play immediately or wait until the end of the show. If you’re vaguely familiar with American Football (the sport, not the band) then you understand this is eerily similar to a “coin toss”. Sports combined with music not named MTV’s Rock and Jock? Mind explosion. Whoever has the most points at the end of the game wins…just like sports! The winner gets all of the door money. The loser ges various goodies from local businesses so they don’t go home broken and suicidal. This is insane. Let’s get to our contestants! Grenades are one of my favorite local bands of the moment. Click on their band name and watch their hands move really fast courtesy of Joonior Studios. Nine out of ten dudes that wear all black, all the time say this band slays. Those dudes in funeral attire don’t know much about fashion, but they know their vicious rock and roll. Grenades are a healthy combination of Breather Resist (if they were not so weird) and the finer elements of late 90′s hardcore. What do I mean by the last remark? Think of the more intelligent bands on Equal Vision and other labels during that time period. Although they don’t really sound all that alike, I am also reminded of  The Minor Times when I hear Grenades. I feel tempted to compare them to a certain hardcore band who called Seattle home during the 1990′s. This “mystery” band was also on Hydrahead Records and played the best B-52′s cover the world has ever heard. I don’t have the heart say that band’s name, let alone compare them to anyone. It’s too painful. Grenades are a pleasant distraction for a love that is stuck somewhere around turn of the millennium. We’ll man the ramparts.

He Whose Ox Is Gored is a band that quite a few of my friends like but I haven’t seen yet. With a name like that you know they aren’t in the business of playing twee-pop or gospel music. They have a certain “we’re taking the walls down with us” thing going on that draws comparisons to Isis. You know what I’m talking about, a brief drum fill or a flam on the snare to let the listener know that someone is about to play an F-chord in drop-D and I’m going to hit my huge crash cymbals at the same time. This band also gets compared to Torche (ie: “Cloven Hoof)” but I don’t like Torche so I won’t go there. If I were still a kindergarten teacher talking to my kids, I would tell them that He Whose Ox Is Gored is a band with “pretty neat sounds” that might inspire some creative play dates amongst friends. I’d also tell them not to listen to this kind of music too loudly on headphones because of their sensitive hearing. Unfortunately if any five-year-old played this kind of music on a stereo they would either be committed or thought of as some sort of savant. That’s a lot to deal with when you don’t even pack your own lunch for school. Parents just don’t understand.

Doors are at 9pm. The show starts at 10pm. I can’t tell you how much it costs because I can’t read it on the poster. I need new contacts.