::: Monogamy Party photo courtesy of Good to Die Records

Well, I think it’s about time I finally do something with this thing.

*Removes Sound on the Sound mailbag that is the size of a baby walrus from the corner of my room. When I open it up, the bag is teeming with cobwebs and an array of spooky looking arachnids crawl out from the opening. Perhaps it’s time to invest in a house-cleaning team or….I can stop being lazy*

The peanut gallery has questions. I have answers that are not related to the questions that you ask. Have you ever gone to a palm reading expecting to get your prostrate examined? Now is your chance. Let’s get it on:

Dear Phil(ip),

I recently got this new job that keeps me at the office for 70-80 hours a week. As a dedicated Sound on the Sound reader I am quite aware of your occupational struggles. A work week that is roughly twice the amount of toil that a normal, puritan ethic related work week entails is something you know nothing about. With that being said, this job (not it’s hefty pay, mind you) is driving a deep wedge between me and my wife of eight years. I always thought kids would send our marriage into a tailspin of boredom, but this job is doing the bidding of my six-year-old twin girls. What can I do (besides answering sketchy swinger party ads on Craigslist) to spice up my love life? My parents have been married for almost thirty years, my marriage must outlast theirs!

Sincerely, Running on Empty in Edmonds

Dear Running,

Nobody is suggesting that you pass your wife around like a Christmas ham (or that you be broken like a turkey wishbone). What you need is a harsh reminder of why you and your wife fell in love in the first place. A spiritual retreat? What and take time off of work!?!?! No way. I’d suggest Tulalip Casino (it’s the number one place for fun) but you don’t strike me as a gambler (ie. your reluctance to answer sketchy Craigslist ads). What you need is a Monogamy Party.

Not quite heavy but fucking weird kinky enough to ignite fervent passions that will only escalate behind bedroom doors. Just make sure your twin girls are asleep before you turn on Pus City (Official release date – November 15th on Good to Die Records). You could choose the track “Fucking Out Your Brains” but might I remind you, she’s your wife! Show the lady a little respect. Lull her into your arms with the title track, I promise those thumping bass lines were put there for a reason.

Read the rest of Phil’s Weekend Mailbag and Watch a New Video from Ume (more…)