Happy Mother’s Day!

You probably didn’t know this, but I keep a diary mailbag for all Sound on the Sound’s readers. When your real-life friends aren’t enough, when your family has decided that you are a racing horse with a broken leg, when your parole officer simply “doesn’t have time for this emotional shit,” you come to me. Usually your cries for help get lost in the trillions of press releases I get about bands I don’t care about. However, every once in a while, I will take time out of my busy schedule to put a star next to your e-mail in my Gmail account. Then many days later, I will resurrect your problems and put a metaphorical band-aid on all your ouchies. I do this because I want you to sleep with me it’s been a long winter and I don’t want to inspire anymore depressed singer/songwriters. I’m hoping if I cheer enough people up, we can eliminate contrived folk music, together. Let’s go to the mailbag….

Dear Phil,

My mother is really into BOAT’s latest album Dress Like Your Idols. She’s always blasting it in front of my friends, while she’s force-feeding our cat anxiety pills and when she does P90x workouts. I’m a huge fan of BOAT but I’m afraid if my mother keeps on getting down with this “sloppy guitar pop” that I will grow to hate BOAT. I blame my sentiment on that whole “You Can’t Like What Your Parents Like” teenager syndrome. What should I do?

- Forever in Armitron (Tacoma, Wa.)

Dear Forever,

I totally understand what you are saying. When I was growing up I was really into Tony Orlando and Dawn. My love for Tony and his hair was so intense that I actually developed a rare childhood disorder where I went around tying yellow ribbons on every tree I could see. My mother ruined it by becoming a bigger Dawn fanatic that I could ever dream of. What you need is an alternative. Are you familiar with Neighbors? They don’t sound like BOAT, but they are cool, just like BOAT. You like Stephen Malkmus right? Well, unfortunately for you, he’s not in this band. Nevertheless, if Mr. Malkmus ever listened to Neighbors, I bet he’d approve.

Dear Phil,

My parents just recently got divorced and I’m having trouble dealing with it. To make matters worse, my mother’s main reason for filing for divorce? She wants to be “hood rich.” She’s tired of tangible wealth, valuable assets and a good credit score. She wants to be with a man, who doesn’t mind stabbing another man, when it comes down to who is getting stuck with the bill at Denny’s. Where can I find such a man?

- Searching for Chris Brown (Tukwila, Wa.)

Dear Searching,

Good grief, your mother sounds like a psycho hosebeast pretty unreasonable woman. I don’t think she wants a man with a felony on his record. I am under the impression that your mother is looking for some adventure. After you take her out for brunch today, you should seriously consider taking her to Nectar tonight for Raekwon and Fatal Lucciauno. Are you going to find a felon there? I couldn’t tell you. What I can tell you is that Raekwon put out one of the most iconic hip-hop records of all-time (Only Built 4 Cuban Linx) and that Fatal has been a Seattle hip-hop mainstay for as long as I can remember. Tickets are $20 and the doors open at 8pm. Don’t forget that you’re the one paying for the tickets! There’s a place in hell just for you if you let your mother foot the bill on Mother’s Day!

ps – If the bitch wants doubles, buy her doubles!

Dear Phil,

I recently just got engaged to the most wonderful woman in the entire world. My only problem is that my wife-to-be has a mother that really likes Steve Miller Band. It wouldn’t be that bad if she were only into Fly Like An Eagle, but she never stops playing Side A of Abracadabra! It’s killing me. I don’t want to call off the engagement but I’m seriously considering washing my hands of all this nonsense, calling up an ex-girlfriend I don’t even like, knocking her up, doing the honorable thing and marrying her, rearing some children, working a job that I hate, becoming addicted to booze and Viagra cocktails, searching for my spirit animal, thinking about moving to Hollywood… [letter continues for another 600 words..too long to publish]

- The Joker (Seattle, Wa.)

Dear Joker,

Settle down man, I am not a miracle worker. I can’t help you find your spirit animal.  What I can do is give the best possible advice on getting your future mother-in-law to eliminate her Steve Miller Band fetish. Seriously though, why Abracadabra? This is a code red. We’re going to have to bring out the big guns. You need to let this woman know that you have a heart that beats. It’s 2011 and we need to podcast your intentions. My advice, soften her up a little bit with some John Heart Jackie, Smokey Brights, Youth Rescue Mission and Lemolo. I officially endorse all four of those acts. In fact, that Youth Rescue Mission record is absolutely crushing my soul right now. It’s so good. However, you don’t want said mother-in-law to think you’re a complete pussy that you are eager to follow in the footsteps of Chris Carrabba and/or Morrisey. You’ve got to show the mother of your future wife that you don’t mind catching an assault charge if someone looks at your old lady the wrong way. What better way to illustrate this than by giving her some Carbomb, Racebannon, Wizard Rifle and Owen Hart tracks? You want to show that you’re Prince Valiant and can protect your woman? Don’t buy a gun, create an effective podcast that will win the heart of your lover’s mother. Last but not least, you don’t want to come off as a man of extremes. Nothing is scarier than a man who hides his emotions like a real fucking man can’t control his emotions. You need to include some OCnotes, Battlestations and Gun Outfit in that podcast as well. Let her know that just because you’re an overgrown man-child that can’t fucking deal reality sometimes, at least you think critically about the fact that you can’t get your shit together.

Keep those emails coming. Until next time…