February 28, 2010
“Flirted With You All My Life”: Vic Chesnutt, The Song I Always Needed and a Tribute Show To It All Tonight
I had no idea what I was getting into when I first listened to Vic Chesnutt’s “Flirted With You All My Life.” I thought I’d be listening to a tortured love song, and well, I was. A love song, not for human flesh as I expected, but of the seductress suicide. I thought I was going to get a sweet little love song, and instead I got the song I’d needed to hear my entire life.
Much like Vic Chesnutt, I’ve spent too much of my life courting death at my own hands. Unlike Vic, I didn’t have the added burden of constant physical pain and illness. I just happened to be born into a body that has shown keen interest in the self-destruct button. I’ve struggled with a life-long battle with depression and as Vic sang, I’ve “even kissed death once or twice.” When I listened to “Flirted With You All My Life” that first time and every subsequent time, it was as if Vic was singing my story and experience in a way I’d never felt had happened in song. It was as if Vic had been reading a decade’s worth of my diaries and he chose to sing exactly the words I had always needed to hear: “But I found out with time that clearly I was not ready, no no. Oh Death. Really, I’m not ready.” These were words I could finally sing along to and mean, a hard-fought outcome and realization which found me crying tears of joy.
On night one, after listening to the song on repeat, I knew this would be my secret anthem. It would be what I would call upon for strength during the hardest times and if the deadly flirtation tempted me, because surely it could come again. If it did, I would take faith and hope, that I was not alone in my struggles, that a man like Vic Chesnutt existed and that he had the strength to sing a song that countless people needed to hear, and that he had chosen to struggle onwards himself.
And then, about a week after I discovered it, Vic Chesnutt took his own life. The long flirtation had come to sad fruition. I cried like I’d lost a friend, because I had. I cried out of fear, because it was another tragic reminder that depression is a life-long battle, that isn’t always “beat” even when you feel you’ve conquered it. I wondered if the song would lose it’s meaning or hopefulness with Vic’s suicide, but I found it did the opposite. The song is just as potent and poignant today, if not more so. It is still an anthem. It is still a perfect song to me, one that I will call upon on the darkest days. Vic is still a friend, that I will visit with for the rest of my life through his songs, and he will still be a source of infinite inspiration. In the end, maybe the song wasn’t just for Vic, maybe it was for the rest of us who needed it desperately. People just like me.
I wish I’d had the chance to thank him face-to-face, because a man should be recognized for that kind of contribution to another person’s life. While I sadly won’t be able to thank Vic personally, I can honor him tonight by attending a Tribute Show at the Tractor Tavern organized by Hannah Levin to help his family survive and thrive in his absence. In tribute to Vic, Damien Jurado, Jason Dodson of The Maldives, Eric Howk, and Ian Moore will be taking the stage to perform his songs. Ending the night with “Flirted With You All My Life” will be David Bazan. I’m bringing $20 to donate and a fistful of tissues. I recommend you do the same, because a man like Vic Chestnutt and a song like “Flirted With You All My Life” only comes around once in what is hopefully a long and happy lifetime.
Vic Chesnutt Tribute Show - Tractor Tavern - TONIGHT
Featuring David Bazan, Damien Jurado, Jason Dodson (The Maldives), Eric Howk, Ian Moore & more
Doors at 8pm / Suggested Donation $10 (but we say bring a $20 & tissues)
Watch the video of Dave Bazan performing “Flirted With You All My Life” after the cut.
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