Love makes us do crazy things

It’s the most wonderful marketable consumer-friendly romantic ”holiday” of the year. Happy Valentine’s Day! For those who didn’t want to hear that from me, I’m so sorry. Can I get you a moist toilette to sop up the salty streaks that are cascading down your face? Don’t you hate when your tear ducts don’t know how to behave? Stop being such a sad, bitter troll. Go to Hot Topic and buy yourself some novelty wristbands. I have been informed accessorizing heals all wounds.

Before I get to all my fake totally non-fiction, 100% legit, you-wrote-them-not-me mailbag, I need to ask the following questions. Gentle readers, how does your love life look? If it were one of the following celebrity choices, which one would you choose?

A) Are you Joe Perry during his days as a solo artist? (Hey man, The Joe Perry Project ruled. Don’t ask me to look you in the eyes and say that.) Tired of sharing the limelight with your formerly “awesome” spouse (who may or may not have had serious drug problems), you have decided to head down life’s highway without someone who’s instantly recognizable riding shotgun. Suddenly even your closest friends pretend not to know who you are. You might want to get Linda Perry (unrelated) to pen a song for you in order that your matters of the heart are quickly reconciled (Read – #1 Billboard hit single or a hot date on the town. Whatever works, baby).

B) Are you Al Davis (god rest his soul) the night before the 2007 NFL Draft? Pundits are telling you not to draft JaMarcus Russell just because he can throw a football 60+ yards while sitting down on a grassy field. You tell those talking heads to, “Go fly a fucking kite!” (You’re Al Davis, kite-flying was a joy when you were a small child circa 1821) That’s precisely why you’re investing an ungodly amount of money and your future on his professionalism… because of what Mr. Russell can do while sitting down. You’ve had success in the past (John Madden doesn’t have video games named after him if it weren’t for you), nobody that isn’t committed to excellence should tell you how to live your (love) life. You’re not “delusional” because you don’t remember archiving that word when you wrote the beginnings of the Oxford Dictionary in June of 1857.

C) You are Adele at the Grammys in 2012 and you are killing everything. You decided to take everyone else’s Grammy because you’re Adele and that’s what you do. By music industry standards you are Godzilla and everyone else is Godzuki (meaning their existence is limited to a Hanna-Barbara animated series that took place between 1978-1981). This year, not only are you a six-time Grammy award winner with nuclear breath an astonishing voice, but it has been scientifically confirmed that all women under the age of 30 love you.

D) You are Andy Dick. Nobody really remembers you besides that funny role you had on Just Shoot Me! Oh wait, that was David Spade. You are Andy Dick…and ehh….all you do is get arrested now…?

E) You are Kristen Bell and on the verge of becoming America’s Sweetheart my latest celebrity crush. I don’t even know who you are or what you do. Some might argue you’re an actress but I think you might be the inspiration behind the song “This Little Light of Mine.” One thing is for certain, you like sloths and that’s very ok with me.

To the mailbag!

Dear Phil,

I’m new to the city and I have nothing to do on Valentine’s evening? What should I do besides binge on romantic comedies and an entire season of Swamp People?

- I Love Swamp People

Dear Swamp People,

Normally I would just tell you to go to Earl’s and troll the hell out of unsuspecting undergraduates based on their ability to make questionable decisions. However, you are new to this part of the world. A sterling reputation isn’t something you can regain easily in this small town. Here are four legitimate options for your Valentine’s Day evening. May the trouble you get into never leave the confines of a bedroom or a jail cell.

A Black Lodge Prom – This isn’t a corsage! It’s an anarchistic floral arrangement under the guise of social customs impressed upon me by the powers that be! Duh. Ladies, I expect you to look marvelous as always. Gents, I want you to try and look nicer than the ladies! (As we should because we are less attractive and therefore have to work harder) Let us not forget that there are bands that will create the ambiance to your spiked-punch slow dance. Country Lips and Party Tribe Trolls are among the merrymakers. Your last chance for romance starts at 8:30pm.

Love Songs – This delightful soiree will take place at the Columbia City Theater. What’s going to be happen? Love Songs being performed by Kaylee Cole, Matt Bishop of Hey Marseilles and Tim Wilson of Ivan and Alyosha. What do you think the odds are of all these performers gathering together to close out the evening with Converge’s “The Saddest Day”? I heard the list of tunes is quite eclectic mind-melting. Love is a battlefield. Anything can happen. The potential for crying alone begins again at 7:30pm.

Valentine’s Against Violence – Spread adulation to those who need it most. I promise someone there will be someone impressed with the growth of your grinch heart. Side Saddle and others will be performing at The Sunset in Ballard. All the band’s proceeds will be donated to New Beginnings, a local shelter that provides service to battered women and their children. There will also be a raffle (who doesn’t love a good raffle?) of items from local Ballard shops and stores. Entry is $8. However, if bring one of the items on the New Beginnings wish list (check that out by clicking on the event name), it’s only $5. Are you ready to be altruistic and selfish all at the same time? The show starts at 9pm. 

Valentine’s Day Benefit – The Comet Tavern is hosting this benefit for the Jubilee Women’s Center on Capital Hill. Vox Mod, Lisa Dank , and Zephyrs. Grab a beer. Learn how your admission fee is positively impacting someone else’s life. Get your freak on to the funky tunes. Go home with a smile on your face. The process is set to begin at 9pm.

Read the rest of our love-filled Valentine’s Day Mail Bag

Dear Phil,

I’m not going to lie, my love life is slowly becoming a distant memory. I just got married a few months ago and I’m freaking out because I’m not sure if it was the right decision. I’m starting to wonder if I got married because all my friends were getting married. It’s not like my friends peer-pressured me into making this life-changing decision. The groomsmen weren’t threatening to Smirnoff ice me if I didn’t walk down the aisle. I touch myself my wife with kids gloves because I don’t know how to handle her or the situation. I don’t want a divorce, I just want to get my “house” in order.  What do I do? I’m losing my marbles over this one.

- Help Me Before I Become Shawn Kemp Marital Material

Dear Help Me,

Hmmmm…this is a tough one. I don’t know how you arrived at this point but I think I have the solution for you. Did you watch the Super Bowl Puppy Bowlat all? If you answered yes, Danny Devito is on his way to your house to tell you that you’re half the man that he is. Cute canine sports enthusiasm aside, there are lessons that can be learned from the puppy bowl. Love is like having a puppy, you’ve got to nurture it at all times. What happens when you forget about it? Our fluffy friend becomes a bull in a china shop and destroys every material possession that you own. Love will do the same thing. You need to fully invest in your wife and your future, much like Good to Die Records is fully invested in monopolizing all the music I like! conquering the rock and roll scene here in Seattle. Mr. Christofferson just snatched up Dog Shredder like I used to snatch up Entenmann’s“Lemon Danish Twist” as a middle-school snack. Dog Shredder’s Brass Tactics is going to be one of the most anticipated releases of the year. If the music is anything like the artwork, you might as well reserve a slot in your “2012 Best of the Year” list. Learn from the man who I would nominate for the position of Mariners GM, fully invest in what’s good and good things will come to fruition. Because when you don’t put your heart complete into something, you end up paying $5000 to clean the piss out of a Polar Bear skin rug.

Dear Phil,

There’s a love I can’t get over. I know this is nothing new, in fact most people have this problem at some point or another. In my case, my fondness for the past is almost paralyzing. I find myself making mix cd’s for a person that wouldn’t choose me (again) if I were the last person with a rose on The Bachelor. Besides drinking myself into oblivion and heavy drug use, is there anything I can do to get this woman out of my head? I was thinking of intentionally shipwrecking myself on a deserted island. However, I feel that the margins of error are too slim to properly execute that “destiny.”

- Demi Moore in the movie Ghost b/w deserted island ambition

Dear Demi,

You’re right, we’ve all had a love that sticks to our ribs like a Paula Deen recipe Thanksgiving meal provided by Jack in the Box. Nevertheless, I’d be lying to you if I told you that I knew the exact answer to your problems. People get over love differently. Sometimes someone new walks into your life and you forget your ghoulish old lover. Sometimes you tie yourself to train tracks and get dismembered by a forgotten way of traveling. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time I was really into this band called Liars. I use to listen to They Threw Us In A Trench And Stuck A Monument On Top like it was my job. I once went on a date and a girl asked me what I did in my spare time, I told her I listen to Liars (I think there was some confusion because the date went completely downhill from there). Fins to Make Us More Fish Like was another Liars release that I thought was incredible. For a moment I even entertained the thought of getting a Liars themed face tattoo. However, the band went through some line-up changes and then they put out the most snobbish, insulting, intentionally pretentious nonsense the world has ever seenDrum’s Not Dead.

My affection for that band died with that release.

And I spent years trying to reconcile what happened between me and that band. Why did they do that to me? More importantly, why did they do that to us? I should’ve been happy for Liars, they were opening up for Radiohead and playing festivals to large audiences. I’d weep alone at night, telling myself that none of those Radiohead fans would ever love Liars like I did.

Then I came across Haunted Horses and everything changed. Are they like Liars? No, not really. But they are the proverbial band-aid that was placed on the emotional scars that Liars left behind? No, not really. Are they a fucking good band? Yes.

Stop making itunes playlists for a figment of your imagination. Listen to Haunted Horses and let love find you. Will you die alone? It’s possible, but at least you’ll have good music.

Dear Phil,

I’m an urban troubadour who is need of a niche. Like everyone else I have been singing about flowers, mountains, whiskey, coffee and bodies of water. I don’t have a love interest currently so I can’t broadcast my shortcomings in the romantic realm. I thought about writing an album about the lost art of “couponing” but I don’t think anyone will be able to relate to what I’m talking about. Should I just go to North Aurora, befriend a “working girl” and see where it goes from there?

- Couponing in C-Minor

Dear Couponing,

Do you have your guitar on-hand? If so, can you smash it like cover of The Clash’s London Calling. Good work. Before I tell you to put a gun to your head and kill yourself for even thinking about releasing a concept album based around the idea of couponing, I want you to do me a favor. On Friday night, Fatal Lucciano is releasing the album Respect at Chop Suey and you’re cordially invited to attend. Unique influences are the only way you’re going to be able to differentiate yourself from the other thousands of faceless indie troubadours in this city. Lucciano has stories to tell, make sure you have a smartphone in order to take notes during his musical homilies. If you dress up as a woman (and it’s convincing) you’ll be able to get in free until 10:30pm. If you don’t go that route, tickets will be $10 at the door. The show starts at 9pm. Godspeed you hapless troubadour.

Dear Phil,

Are the Pleasureboaters getting back together?

- Someone Who Was Not In the Pleasureboaters

Dear Someone,

I wish. Let’s start a rumor on a blog post so they do get back together.

That’s all for now. Happy Valentine’s Day!