We Wrote the Book on Connectors as Beastie Boys ::: photo by Josh Lovseth

Some traditions die hard should have never been started. Last year I gave you a Halloween weekend preview that was basically a third party eavesdropping on a hipster having a conversation on his cellular phone. This year will be a different. You will hear from a great white shark that has political ambitions that may involve the Oval Office…

Yes, you read that correctly.

The object of man’s darkest water related fears will give a political speech directly related to the blessed conundrum of having too much music to see and only one pair of eyes to experience it with. You come to Sound on the Sound for respectable writing and you get this!?! It’s Halloween, my parents aren’t around and I can do what I want!

[Scene shows a large fish tank at the entrance of Wild Waves. The tank has a spiderweb of microphones hanging above it, the audio machinery is hoping to capture the sentences of this politically savvy deep sea predator. The Sound on the Sound camera pans around the parking lot and spots an abundance of media trucks with its lens. Suddenly the shark stops "pacing" the tank, anchors itself in one place and begins to speak.] Mr. White: Some of you may wonder why I have called this press conference all of you here today and I’m here to answer the question that I’m assuming is on your human mind. I’m here to make a speech that addresses the issues.

[Mr. White stops speaking and does a methodical lap around the tank.]

Mr. White: I’m a shark, when it comes to media relations I am mostly ignorant. Is it proper to call a press conference in order to make a speech? I’m really not sure. All I know is third party candidates don’t have the luxury of debates leading up to primaries and presenting State of the Union addresses to a doting nation. This event is actually paid for by “Sharks Against Campaigns to Give Human Rights to Orcas.” PETA is a fascist organization that does not give equal consideration to sharks. My contentious relationship with that agency is neither here or nor there. Like I said I’m here to talk about the issues.

[Mr. White stops to swim to the surface and to see if there are any PETA protesters in attendance.]

Mr. White: This weekend is Halloween weekend. Many of the events that are taking place and are related to the every day lives of the voters. If you did not realize this, now you do. If you are below the age of 18 I suggest you turn your Ipod off and tune in, shit is about to get real even though you are not old enough to vote. For instance, the Black Lodge is having a benefit show tonight that features Numb and Mercy Ties. I tell you this because I am pro-small business and independent industry. The Black Lodge has done many a service for being a great DIY venue that routinely has all ages shows. If something were to happen to this place, what would you do? Where would you go? You tell me you’d hang out in Belltown but I don’t believe you.  Sharks may not be chimpanzees but we are not dinosaurs either. Literally. Don’t let those other two political parties tell you they are for all-ages shows when I think their record speaks for itself. They are for money and that’s it. Personally I don’t care about monetary symbols, I care about blood in the water. That is my priority and that my friends, is a selfish agenda you can trust.

[Mr. White stops speaking to detect if there is indeed blood in the water.]

Mr. White: Did you see that? I already fulfilled a campaign promise. Also happening tonight is the ten year anniversary show of Glenn or Glennda? happening at the Croc. Individuals like myself that are big-time players in political shuffleboard can appreciate the innovate legacy that the aforementioned act has crafted over the past decade. They took an old idea and twisted gender-bended it into their own creation. They tested the market and passed with flying colors. People want to talk about raising taxes and job creation, what about shifting chromosomes in order to achieve annual entertainment for nostalgic punk rockers? Glenn or Glennda can’t resign just yet, they are a pillar of the ghost and goblin community. I propose another term. I also believe that Strong Killings and Steel Tigers of Death second that notion by offering their support for this anniversary engagement.

[The affable great white stops to contemplate what he meant look like as a cross-dressing member of the Misfits. These are the kind of thoughts that go through politicians minds during media events. Duh.]

Read the Rest of Phil Mr. White’s Halloween recommendations

Mr. White: As a fish that practices the old-timey religion of capitalism, you should know that I believe in domestic commercial industry. He Whose Ox Is Gored and In Aeona (from Boston) are releasing a split “12 tonight at the Comet that is named after an old WCW pay-per-view. I promote the idea of artists from different parts of the country uniting in order to make heaps of cash create something for communities nationwide. When was the last time Mitt Romney made mention of vinyl during a national telecast? There you have it, you know he doesn’t support the record industry. Smooth Sailing is a band that would agree with my stance against those who worship the dollar. Blood should be our number one priority Nevermind the fact that this is being presented to you by a lobbying group. Just feel fortunate that Smooth Sailing will be playing Halloween Havoc as well. Costumes are encouraged and your Halloween participation will save you money on your entry price.

[Mr. White stops speaking in order seem contemplative.]

Mr. White: I realize that the show at the Comet may be too “heavy” for some of you. I am a political candidate that believes in giving the proletariat a choice. Do you think Ron Paul or Rick Perry would be so malleable as it relates to giving voters what they want? I don’t think so. Mr. Paul believes in re-instituting the ban of drinking on-stage here in Seattle, a law that was just recently repealed. Mr. Perry might execute people if they choose a show that is not to his liking. My laws will not touch your body unless there is blood involved. For those who want to walk on the “lighter” side of the darkness that is Halloween, Western Haunts is having their EP release show at Columbia City Theater with my wife’s’ favorite band, Legendary Oaks. If you’re a whiskey lush on any level (like my eternally inebriated wife) and you enjoy a good session of “drinkin’ and ramblin,’” then I suggest you follow the sweet sounds of the fiddle into the heart of Columbia City. You’d think a shark would not be enticed by such instruments, but we are fish with cultural depth. Tell that to PETA! You don’t have to be an aquatic mammal to appreciate such tunes!

[Mr. White gives a big toothy grin. He knows that sharks around the world, especially those who listen to bluegrass, will be voting for him in approximately a year. Plus, he's a shark, it always looks like he's smiling.]

Mr. White: Obama won the 2008 presidential election by appealing to the masses on the lame-ass platitudes of hope and change. If you take a look at Barack’s first term in office, his words may have sounded like music to your ears but his policies have failed. His policies have been so disastrous that you have people all over  Seattle wishing they were living in a fantasy world. I give you the following examples: Come As You Aren’t at the Skylark: Tonight, the first sign of proof that people want to return to the days “Clintonian Economic Prosperity.” Why the hell would you participate an event like this if you were satisfied with our current economic climate? Hobosexual longs for the idealism of the 1960′s, they are pretending to be Cream. Hotels, normally upright citizens in their own right are going to be dressed up as The Misfits. I have a feeling that if the United States still had a Triple-A credit rating these type of imagination games would not be happening.

Decades Cover Night at Healthy Times Fun Club: Saturday night, this monstrosity will be unleashed onto the unsuspecting. This is felonious behavior if you ask me if you were to ask our Commander in Chief, not to mention this is a possible violation of Seattle fire codes. There are going to be like 90 bands performing songs spanning five decades worth of music. The current administration might send in the “Men in Black” to disrupt these activities because they are community related (read: “communist” and “socialist”). I think that’s unconstitutional. I want the voters to know that I support bands like Spurm, Footwork, Neighbors and Haunted Horses. It’s not their fault they have to look to the past in order to find happiness. Obama, the hope you gave us existed in a metaphorical hour glass. The tiny grains of sand can now be found on the bottom my dear friend. Take it from me, I’m a shark. I know what sand looks like because I live in the ocean.

Queen Bitch and the Talking Deads at the High Dive: Another rally against the failed leadership of our government, this time at the High Dive on Saturday night. This is a political event that will be heavily populated by zombies and glam-rockers clamoring for our leaders to be held accountable. Will Iggy Pop, David Byrne or David Bowie be in attendance? Only in costume It’s quite possible which means that you should probably be here too.

Electro Halloween Ball: This event is also taking place on Saturday night and will feature a “satanic” version of the Head and the Heart. Congress usually proposes a variety of sanctions and embargoes against any state that appears to have furtive pro-terrorist ideologies. I would not be surprised if they tried to enact the same harsh penalties against Seattle and the extreme banality that could possibly be presented to the masses by their brand of singer/songwriters. I’m in touch with your folk-rock heavy rock and roll musical community. I am aware of the way that a pop band that I have yet to officially acknowledge divides good people like peanut butter and jelly often divide two slices of rye bread. Just because I am a shark, that does not mean I am unfamiliar with the picnic treats that you humans create. If I am elected as your leader, the real authentic Head and the Heart will play a set alongside their devil worshipping doppelganger. This act of unity will cause the butterfly effect of world peace that will start with Israel/Palestine/Iran and will end with Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.

[Mr. White chuckles to himself at the joke he just made. Come on, that was a pretty funny joke.]

Mr. White: See? Sharks are into comedy too. We’re a very likable species, even us of the political variety. Now onto something that is not a laughing matter. I’m talking about crime in this country.

[Mr. White gets real serious for a second. He's a shark so it's kind of hard to read his emotions.]

Mr. White: For those of you are unfamiliar with my record on crime, I give you “Exhibit A.” Yes, that’s me back in my days of youth when I was known as “Ripster.” I was the leader of the elite crime fighting team known as “Street Sharks.” I am here to address the would be desecration of the legacy left behind by my friends and I….

[Mr. White pauses for dramatic effect like a professional wrestler.]

Mr. White: Orca Team! You might be able to fool the people but you can’t fool me! You pretend to be cute and jangly but I know under all that reverb you are robbing the people of their hard-earned dollars! Is this why you’re venturing to the Comet on Sunday night? To charge the people a whopping $8 so they can enjoy your sonic propaganda? I’m assuming that you’re going to use that door money for gas for your touring van to give back to the terrorist organization that is PETA! I’m connecting the dots here Orca Team! This has ACORN written all over it. Let me make a suggestion to those who believe that all life under the sea should have human rights and not just those are deemed “highly intelligent” by PETA and other questionable agencies. Black Breath will be at the Black Lodge on Sunday night as well. You might want to give them and Christian Mistress a small slice of your income instead.

[Mr. White does a lap around the large fish tank indicating that he is planning on signing off.]

Mr. White: Before I sign off I would like to give two local endorsements. Lonesome Shack (sharks know how to boogie and are against mortgage fraud, mostly ) will be playing the Josephine tonight. If you want to go to Ballard but don’t want to venture that far north you can always check out Jabon at the Sunset. He’ll be performing with Nurses. Jabon is a favorite artist of mine because I can appreciate anything that makes humans feel creeped out and uncomfortable.

Thank you all for your attention. God(dess) bless America! Vote Grant White in 2012!

[Sharks Keep Moving....]

Best Coast in Costume Last Halloween ::: photo by Josh Lovseth