::: Monogamy Party photo courtesy of Good to Die Records

Well, I think it’s about time I finally do something with this thing.

*Removes Sound on the Sound mailbag that is the size of a baby walrus from the corner of my room. When I open it up, the bag is teeming with cobwebs and an array of spooky looking arachnids crawl out from the opening. Perhaps it’s time to invest in a house-cleaning team or….I can stop being lazy*

The peanut gallery has questions. I have answers that are not related to the questions that you ask. Have you ever gone to a palm reading expecting to get your prostrate examined? Now is your chance. Let’s get it on:

Dear Phil(ip),

I recently got this new job that keeps me at the office for 70-80 hours a week. As a dedicated Sound on the Sound reader I am quite aware of your occupational struggles. A work week that is roughly twice the amount of toil that a normal, puritan ethic related work week entails is something you know nothing about. With that being said, this job (not it’s hefty pay, mind you) is driving a deep wedge between me and my wife of eight years. I always thought kids would send our marriage into a tailspin of boredom, but this job is doing the bidding of my six-year-old twin girls. What can I do (besides answering sketchy swinger party ads on Craigslist) to spice up my love life? My parents have been married for almost thirty years, my marriage must outlast theirs!

Sincerely, Running on Empty in Edmonds

Dear Running,

Nobody is suggesting that you pass your wife around like a Christmas ham (or that you be broken like a turkey wishbone). What you need is a harsh reminder of why you and your wife fell in love in the first place. A spiritual retreat? What and take time off of work!?!?! No way. I’d suggest Tulalip Casino (it’s the number one place for fun) but you don’t strike me as a gambler (ie. your reluctance to answer sketchy Craigslist ads). What you need is a Monogamy Party.

Not quite heavy but fucking weird kinky enough to ignite fervent passions that will only escalate behind bedroom doors. Just make sure your twin girls are asleep before you turn on Pus City (Official release date – November 15th on Good to Die Records). You could choose the track “Fucking Out Your Brains” but might I remind you, she’s your wife! Show the lady a little respect. Lull her into your arms with the title track, I promise those thumping bass lines were put there for a reason.

Read the rest of Phil’s Weekend Mailbag and Watch a New Video from Ume

Dear Phil,

I’ll be arriving in Seattle late Friday night and will be staying until around lunch time on Monday afternoon. When I’m not engaging in atypical tourist activities (ie. Riding the Duck, going to the Space Needle, carrying around an umbrella, looking for Eddie Vedder, going on the Underground Tour and looking for Kurt Cobain..), what should I be doing with my time?

Thanks, Just a small town boy, possibly from East Illinois

Dear East Illinois,

Hmm…you’re not a Journey fan are you? I hope not. Because if you are then I’d think twice about giving you the following information. What you want to do on Saturday night depends on your mood:

Are you mad that Mayor Bloomberg and others are treating Wall Street occupants in a condescending manner? In the words of the late Rodney Dangerfield, “No Respect.” If this describes you on a day-by-day basis over the last two weeks then you want to check out Akimbo, Grenades and Bitches Crystal at the Comet tonight. I’m unfamiliar with Bitches Crystal (supposedly ex-members of Akimbo) but Akimbo and Grenades will irrigate your anger into the proper channels of beer, sweat and riffs. After the show you can always head down to Westlake for Occupy Seattle. Damn the man, save the empire! no seriously…damn the man.

You’ve always wondered why there wasn’t more female vigilante justice in old Western movies. Why isn’t The Dalton Girls the most heralded movie in the history of American Cinema? Instead of drinking alone and attempting to answer these questions by yourself in your hotel room, you should journey down to the Conor Byrne for its for annual Autumnal Dance. There you can delight in bales of hay, dance cards and drink specials. The event will be hosted by the ladies of Side Saddle. I promise you that they will keep you entertained (and possibly help you solve your patriarchal viligante justice problem).

You’ve heard about Doe Bay Music Festival but because you’re just a random boy from East Illinois you’ve never had the chance to go. You can go to actual Doe Bay this weekend but you don’t have enough time. Why not watch musicians who have performed at Doe Bay instead? It’ll save you some time, for sure. Go to Columbia City Theater for the Lower Lights Burning album release and check out the aforementioned group along with Kris Doty (Drew Grow and the Pastor’s Wives) and Hannah Williams (Youth Rescue Mission).

You don’t know how to feel about life anymore. Your job is boring. Your friends are boring. The love of your life is becoming something you can’t talk about in public. You just want to let your hair grow long and sleep five days a week until figure things out. We’ll call this your “creative rebirth” period. If you’re still feeling creative and somewhat gloomy come Sunday night, I suggest you head over to the Josephine to check out Broken Water and WaMu. The Josephine is one of the best DIY venues in Seattle.

Dear Phil,

Have you heard of FeFe Dobson?

Love, Someone Who Is Not FeFe Dobson

Dear Not FeFe Dobson,

The name sounds familiar but no songs come to mind. Have you heard of Ume?