Capsule, the complete opposite of Rick Ross

Tonight. You escape whatever droll existence you have tied yourself down to unnecessarily and you embrace a night that is filled with music.  Some of you will dance. Some of you will tambourine. Some of you will thrash. The rest of you will cower in your abodes, fixated on television programs, a deceased author or an intense game of “words with friends” on your smartphone. The following is for the brave:

Capsule, Owen Hart, Ghostlimb, Heiress and Tempest at the Black Lodge. Show starts at 8pm. Tickets are $5 - This is probably my “show of the night”. I came across Capsule a few years ago by accident. I can’t remember what website I was reading but a Capsule record review appeared in my line of vision. I saw they had put out an album on Robotic Empire Records. I’m willing to give any band on Robotic Empire a chance. I bought the Blue vinyl/compact disc package while was I at Amoeba Music in San Francisco when I was on a past tour. I proceeded to annoy everyone involved with that tour with my incessant demands of playing Capsule’s record. They are my favorite band currently on the Robotic Empire roster. They play a highly cerebral form of math-tech hardcore (fun with making up genres). Crazy guitar tuning with chords that I haven’t been able to figure out yet and a drummer that has no “off” switch. I’m slowly getting acquainted with Capsule’s newest release, No Ghost. It’s has a different feel than Blue (probably the result of a lineup change) but that doesn’t mean it rocks any less. “Small Caps”, “Outline” and “World Citizen” can hold their own with any great track on their previous album.

A long time ago I was asleep on the couch in my parent’s basement before school got started and my sister ran downstairs to tell me that Owen Hart (the wrestler) was dead. I was livid in the most sleepy way possible. My anger didn’t come from the fact that Owen Hart was dead, it was because my sister had woken me up. I skipped school that day to mourn the loss of my least favorite member of a possibly fictional wrestling family. Unfortunately for me, I’ve had a similar reaction to the band Owen Hart for far too long. I have been asleep and missing out on a delightfully evil creation. This kind of crust-metal brings me back to my childhood where every band had a one goal in mind, being the musical equivalent of Beelzebub eating a baby wrapped in a burrito. “Is there any way we can make this riff sound like Stalin is playing the role of train conductor and he has thousands of nuns tied to train tracks?” Success. Listen to “44 Black” and spill hot coffee all over your new jeans. You don’t care. You only wear black. This song rules.

Joseph Giant, Pearly Gate Music, Jared Mees and the Grown Children and The Soft Hills at the Comet. Show starts at 9pm. Tickets are $7 - Joseph Giant means “big sound,”  at least that’s what it means to me. You can listen to the bandcamp, facebook and myspace sounds all you want, but you will need to witness it in person to become a believer. Punk rocker now turned indie twangist, don’t sound so shocked Mr. Giant! Don’t you know there is no escaping fate? What do you think is going to happen to all those musicians playing tonight’s Black Lodge show? Shredding has a relatively short shelf life, brah. I have three words for you Joseph, and they sound like Sesame Street commands. “Up, Down and Out,” my friend. I really like that tune and I think our gentle readers would as well. Play it. Don’t forget about your other songs, we like those too. I have heard from trusted sources that Jared Mees puts on a good live show as well. I guess there is only one way to find out…

Thunderbird Motel at the White Rabbit. Show starts at 9pm. Tickets are $3 - This band is fucking terrible. This band is also one of the most fun bands in Seattle. This means not only have I started three consecutive sentences with the word “this,” it also means that this will probably be the most fun, happy-go-lucky show that occurs all evening.

My dream bill for the evening, in no particular order: Capsule, Owen Hart, Joseph Giant and Thunderbird Motel all at the White Rabbit. Why did I choose the White Rabbit? I just think it would be uncomfortably crowded, therefore, adding to the hilarity of this fictional concert. Attention Seattle bookers, can someone please come up with a bill that makes no sense like this one? Thanks.