[Scenes of me as a five-year-old getting a retainer filled with fluoride shoved in my mouth against my will. The dentist smiles as he initiates a five-minute timer resulting in the longest 300 seconds of my young life. Classical music softly plays in the background.]

[Scenes of me sitting in the principal's office as a ten-year-old because I stuck a thumbtack on a kid's chair and it got stuck in his ass. Classical music plays softly in the background.]

[Scenes of me zoning out, staring at the math portion of an SAT practice test on a Saturday morning. Classical music plays softly in the background.]

Over the years what has been classified as “classical music” and I have been occasional adversaries. Judging from the above examples you should realize that we usually only cross paths when I have done something wrong or I am in the process of achieving the most undesirable results on a standardized test I am forced to listen to it is against my will. It’s not that I don’t appreciate this particular form of music, it’s existence is the foundation for much of what I listen to. I’m not sure what it is exactly but if I listen to classical music (and it’s not accompanied by a visual other than the artist performing), I usually start to feel unglued. My heartbeat feels irregular. My eyes pace frantically inside my head. I start drumming on my legs. What’s the quickest way out of here? One of these days I’ll make the transition from Herbie Hancock to Tchaikovsky.

That’s why I appreciate Portland Cello Project more than someone who owns a collection of bootlegged Bach live recordings.  I don’t mean to brag, but you can even go as far as saying that I am a proud member of Portland Cello Project’s “intended audience”. These fine men and women are crossing state lines to bring orchestral music to the people who need it most, the ones that don’t hear it often.

Which brings us to Night School: Chamber vs. Chamber at the Sorrento Hotel. Before I go any further I would just like to say that if you’ve never been to the Sorrento Hotel, it’s a very cool place. I would love to go on some interior designer rant right about now but I am incapable of doing so. A boy can only fake so much. Gentle reader, if you’ve got a dime and some time, definitely check this swanky joint out. I try my best to separate performance versus venue because it can be unfair and almost perverse to the performer depending on what the circumstance is. With that being said, having this concert held at the Sorrento Hotel really enhanced the experience of the concertgoer.  Comfortable seating. Beautiful layout. Nice lighting. I felt right at home standing in my dark corner.

As for the music itself, Portland Cello Project started the night off by playing a few songs. One of the first songs reminded me of riding a chocobo through a fictional world, using great quantities of magic points that result in a massive loss of life and wielding a weapon bigger than my body. I must save the princess. If you can play a composition that will set alight the heart of this role-playing gamer, you will win the day and the bright approval of these hastily thrown together words. It’s weird how such a tune conjured up these particular feelings when it was actually the theme song from Halo. How is Portland Cello Project going to top this with the rest of their set? Suddenly they launch into Brittney Spears’ only best song (and music video) “Toxic”. This song when presented in any musical form can still be accurately described as infectious pop. Did you know that the “hook” of the song is comprised of a string section? Sure you did. I see the five-star rating and the “most played” label in your iTunes library. I have come across some terrible covers of this song by accident (Are you into new nu-metal? What about pro-activ face cleanser?). Portland Cello Project only does covers well, so you won’t find them on that growing list. Thankfully they performed Pantera’s “Mouth for War” and it served as a perfect transition into what was about to come. Seeing them perform this song only once at Doe Bay was not enough to satiate my Dimebag Darrell appetite. I would be eager to hear a Portland Cello Project take on “Goddamn Electric” or “A New Level”. This is an open letter to Portland Cello Project. I want you to indulge in my wildest symphonic thrasher fantasies. You already shred your bows shredding, what else is there to do? These few songs from the Portland Cello Project’s set serve as a diverse teaser to the 800+ compositions that they are capable unleashing on their audience at any given moment. If you are like me and classical music gives you visions of unpleasant academic experiences, I demand that you give PCP (not the drug) a chance. Your entire musical world will be turned upside down.

After Portland Cello Project was done putting down there bows. Lesbian rocked the Sorrento hotel in the most mild-mannered way possible, I mean that literally. If the power of Lesbian would have been fully unsheathed, we all would have perished in the aftermath. Once again I’m going to use a pop culture reference tying two things together that you may not be familiar with. For those who don’t know Lesbian or the Sorrento Hotel, have you ever seen the movie Jumanji? You know that scene (well, there’s actually a lot of these) where there is a stampede of rhinos and other assorted scary, rambunxious animals wreaking havoc in that Elizabethan house? If Lesbian would have played at normal volume, the Sorrento hotel would have turned into that. Monkeys throwing expensive cocktails in the faces of the well-dressed. An ostrich takes out the eye of someone’s mother. Gators chewing on someone’s pair of gators. Lesbian turned their amps to four, maybe five if I feel like inflating the numbers. It was because of this courteous act alone that the safari gone wrong scenario did not take place on First Hill.

With their sound lowered to approximately 50% normal output, Lesbian gave a performance that was met with 100% approval. This evening proved to me, and other twentysomethings that have worse hearing than their grandparents, that you don’t have to go deaf all the time. It’s okay to leave a concert and not have your ears ringing from swilling well drinks listening to music. Lesbian played “Raging Arcania” with Portland Cello Project and it sounded outstanding. Arguably the most atmospheric beautiful track on Stratospheria Cubenisis, “Raging Arcania” is like most Lesbian songs in the way it changes pace and feel over the course of several minutes. The track differentiates itself from its peers in that it never gets as heavy as you would expect. Lesbian could have made this song “lost in outer-space without the proper protective apparel” heavy if they wanted to. Especially during that last dual-delay guitar part that is accompanied by trampled under foot drumming before the guitars totally change as Lesbian’s fuzzy stompboxes reveal themselves appropriately. The beauty of this track was fully realized when Lesbian partnered with Portland Cello Project on this evening. I expected a great collaboration between these acts but there were moments during this song where I think my high expectations were succeeded.

Like Portland Cello Project, Lesbian were given a chance to showcase their craft alone. The song that they chose is also the first Lesbian song I ever heard, “Black Forrest Hamm”. If you just have the newest Lesbian album and are unfamiliar with the track, go back and get “Power Hor” on Holy Mountain Records. Sometimes I’m an idiot and I get the opening riffs of “Black Forrest Hamm” and “Poisonous Witchball” mixed up, even though they sound nothing alike. As a listener, all you need to know is that both songs are pleasant introductory tracks that will lead to spinal adjustment after multiple listens.

After both bands were finished playing there was a thoughtful question and answer segment that was hosted by City Arts Mark Baumgarten, KEXP’s Hannah Levin and One Pot founder Michael Hebb.  Among the topics discussed were what inspired this unique pairing of musical acts, the perception of classical music and metal “cultures”,  the origins of the name “Lesbian” and what was the album or song that first attracted these musicians/panelists to the dark side of metal.

To expound a bit further on the aforementioned subjects, the stark contrast between the perceived “cultures” of metal and orchestral music strikes me as bizarre. There is no denying that is real. You can see it when you can go to shows or symphonies, you could feel it at the Sorrento Hotel. But why does it exist in the antipodal form that it does? Metal is a direct descendant of classical music. I don’t have to tell you that not all extended family members get along with one another. However, if the general populace were to eavesdrop on these distant relatives having a conversation, most of them would not realize they are speaking the same language. Voyeurs turn to gawkers, “Why are they talking, let alone in the same room together?” I look at my Chuck Taylor’s in disbelief. This type of gap does not exist between those who primarily love blues and those that like The Strokes (see “modern rock”). Maybe I should put the needle down on an Ion Dissonance record for someone who loves Count Basie and Charlie Parker. That’s probably a more accurate comparison. Regardless, I’m incredibly saddened that Metallica’s S & M did not completely erase this cultural divide many moons ago. I’m still waiting for Lars to vanquish world hunger.

Finally, the age old question of, “Why is Lesbian named Lesbian because they are a bunch of dudes and by definition cannot be lesbians unless they became transgendered but doesn’t that mean a whole different classification altogether, maybe?” was answered. The internet has the memory of one trillion elephants my friends, use both your left and right brain. Just in case you are too lazy to click on that link, Lesbian was formed at the Funhouse in 2004 with the intention of playing one set only. I’m glad they’ve extended that one-off for another seven years. I think we’re all the better for it.

As far as compositions that beckoned our esteemed musicians and panelists to a blackened realm, Metallica seemed to be the dominant band referenced when the gateway to drugs metal was discussed.  There were some other nominees, Mortification, Quiet Riot, Tool, Mahler’s First Symphony and even Lesbian got a shout-out from one of the members of Portland Cello Project. At one point this conversation ventured off-topic to “What is the hardest musical composition for you to play?” I remember the question being pointed in the direction of the Portland Cello Project but I could be wrong. What I remember most about this tangent was that at a member of Lesbian declared that they have a 55-minute song…

Excuse me. What?

I said a 55-minute song.

That sounds like the most exhausting thing I have ever heard. I consider myself to be an adonis-like physical specimen slightly above average as far as physical fitness is concerned. Nothing I have done in my entire life compares to the amount of mental and physical acuity it would take to complete a composition that almost lasts an hour. Until I partake in a 56-minute song, nothing I do will ever compare to that feat. No solo breaks? No sparse jam-outs? That is incredible. I have to witness this one day. Until then my neurons will misfire and my muscles will quake in fear at the possibility.

If you have a chance in the future, do not miss out on the Night School: Chamber vs. Chamber series. I feel very fortunate to have witnessed this. This was my first time but surely it won’t be my last. Click on the above video so you watch that which you have missed. The hurt, it stings. Luckily for you, I’ve got just what the doctor ordered:

Portland Cello Project at the Crocodile on May 12th and the Aladdin Theater in Portland on May 20th

Lesbian at the Jinx Art Space in Bellingham on May 5th and Chop Suey on May 6th and Plan B in Portland on May 7th