PORTLAND CELLO PROJECT ::: photo courtesy of Billions

Ring Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, mammals and crustaceans, welcome to the Sorrento Hotel.  Tonight, (well it’s really Sunday night, but we don’t want this fictional ring announcer to be hanging out in the dark for 24 hours do we?) we are privy to witness the fight of this millennium. Why is this bout of epic proportions taking place at a hotel? Because I once read Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man and it seemed like a good idea. Now for our worthy combatants…

Coming out of the blue corner, representing the good people of Important Records and Starbird Promotions, we have four gentlemen whose musical chops are eerily similar to the four horsemen of the apocalypse, if the aforementioned equestrian enthusiasts played instruments instead of arriving to signify the end of the world. Their weight is unknown but their hair is mostly long. Their music, much like my attitude if I were currently wearing a mood ring, is black.  The gentlemen coming out of the blue corner, do not fear any sort of fungal abyss or black hole suns because they do not know fear as it relates to creating music. Their album, Stratospheria Cubensis, was one of the best local albums of the year 2010. Arguably, they have the most sensual, dedicated and sexually open “fans” that a band’s facebook page has ever seen. If you Google their name, there better not be minors in the room or you might hate your life. The best thing to happen to the word “lesbian” since that movie Wild Things, hailing from Seattle, Washington……LESBIAN!!!!!!!!! 

[Polite round of applause from men wearing top hats, monocles and tuxedos and women wearing flapper attire. Yes, it's 2011 but Value Village and some other stores on the hill had a recent influx of The Great Gatsby attire.]

Their opponent, coming out of the red corner, a small colony of cellists that have taken their bows and decided to pimp smack the idea that cellos can’t play any type of music and make it sound great. This group, occasionally represented by The Billions Corporation, has received critical acclaim for their performances and musical vision in media outlets as large as NPR and as small as a regional blog post that features a fictional character in the likeness of Michael Buffer. When Kanye West wrote “All of the Lights,” he actually had this pacific northwest group in mind. If you like Pantera, you are allowed to like this musical entity. If you like The Dandy Warhols, you are allowed to like this musical entity.  Their weight is none of your business but they are well dressed and ready to carry out their three-fold musical mission, even if it means politely destroying their audience by technical knockout. Hailing from the birthplace of breakfast, which in this public announcement that features the occasional revisionist history is Portland, Oregon….I give you…the PORTLAND CELLO PROJECT!!!!

[Polite chants of "PCP!" can be heard from the audience. Several gentleman who are seated in the back-row can be seen fist pumping while wearing white gloves. Don't worry, they are not hoodlums and are doing so in the most elegant way possible.]

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

*The bell sounds at 7pm. Don’t forget your mouthpiece.