MONOGAMY PARTY ::: photo by Keith Johnson

Good heavens, where do I even begin? Saturday night is like a episode of Man vs. Food to the tenth degree. Do you think you can eat a 11 pounds of red meat, a baker’s dozen worth of cupcakes, eight strips of bacon, one pound of jalapeno peppers, six packages of Ramen, one jar of mayonnaise, five bananas and a confetti cake that is covered in coffee grinds that have been lying in your compost pile by accident for the last two weeks? If so, you should seriously consider getting your own reality-based television show titled “Disgusting Pig-Faced Slob”. Don’t use your greed to ruin your digestive tract. Use your illusion desire to consume at an alarming rate to support those who play musical instruments on-stage from time to time. Gentle reader, this is your quest for the evening.  Let’s see if  you can somehow prove to me that you were actually present at all of the following shows, I can promise you two things will happen:

1) I will build a false idol of you in my bedroom. Apparently you are everywhere at once and should be considered the most powerful human being that has ever lived.

2) You will spend lots of money on admission and traveling expenses. Unless you’re boning every musician in Seattle (and I know some of you are pretty damn close), this could be a problem. I promise to reward you for your efforts, but you must provide the proper documentation. Having 14 black marks on your wrist will not be credible enough to qualify, sorry. Go take a shower.

Lightning Bolt at Healthy Times Fun Club – I literally yelped when I heard Lightning Bolt was coming to Healthy Times. Then I started crying because I realized I won’t be able to attend this show. If you’ve never seen their DVD The Power of Salad and Milkshakes, I’m going to pretend to not know who you are the next time we’re together in public. The aforementioned movie that features live performances from all over the country is absolutely unreal. Lightning Bolt are a noise rock two-piece (a three-piece if you include the noise they create) from Providence, Rhode Island. Arguably one of the best bass and drum duo’s to exist in the history of modern rock. Even though the music they create isn’t always easy for the average person to withstand, if you watch that DVD, I can promise you will be converted into a fan. Show starts at 8pm. Monogamy Party and Mercy Ties at the Galway Arms - Are you a Lauryn Hill fan? If the answer is yes then you should probably be in Portland watching her perform at the Arlene Schnitzer Hall. If you’d rather see three dudes get sweaty and weird, then you should be on The Ave, brah. Monogamy Party play with such reckless abandon that they’ll probably be destroying a northwest festival stage in the near future. Check out their tune “Pus City,” live at The In. Mercy Ties, much like Grenades, are one of my favorite local bands around right now. Did you know those bands have a split 12″ coming out in the near future?  I’ve heard most of the split already. *evil laughter* Blogging makes me feel all-powerful like Drago in Rocky IV. Holy hobgoblin, I might as well hand them my release of the year award now. Mercy Ties are the kind of band that makes me want to quit my musical projects because I’m not sure I can compete. “Greed Keeps Us Warm” is the official song of this post. Show starts at 9pm.

Virgin Islands, Wow and Flutter, Princess and High Class Wreckage at the Comet - Virgin Islands album Ernie Chambers v. God will be coming out soon. In the meantime you can listen to “No Doctor” right here on Sound of the Sound and go see them tonight at the Comet. Princess is a band I’ve heard promising things about but I haven’t had the opportunity to see them perform yet. Perhaps you can do some detective work on my behalf? It’s been a long, long time since I’ve seen High Class Wreckage. If my memory serves me correctly (and it always does) they are a rock and roll good time to be had. Show starts at 9pm.

Here are more shows that are happening that I’m probably too lazy busy lazy to talk about. That does not mean they are not good shows, that just means this laptop is burning my thighs.

Modern Athletics, Motopony and The Solvents at the High Dive. Show starts at 9pm.$7

Black Joe Lewis and the Honeybears, Those Darlins at the Crocodile. Show starts at 8pm. $15

Seattle 4 Japan: People Eating People, The Young Evils, PonyHomie and Guests at Chop Suey. Show starts at 9pm. $10 donation

Owen Hart, Power and Wreck, Envision, Breaking Ground at Ground Zero Teen Center. Show starts at 7pm. $6/$5 with a canned food.

Yonder Mountain String Band at Showbox at the Market. Show starts at 9pm. $24

Don’t feel like being a hippie and dancing to Yonder Mountain String Band? Suit yourself, conformist. There’s always my favorite thing to do every second Saturday of the month, Emerald City Soul Club at the Lo-Fi. Get there late and stay even later. There is also music going on at the Blue Moon that I’m not permitted to talk about. Party safe. Party hard.