So much to do this weekend and you only have 72 hours to do it. Why is partying so stressful!?! Ugh. The things we put ourselves through as social mammals. It’s exhausting. What’s your costume? Where are you going to be? Who are you going to be with? How are you going to get there? You don’t have any money. You don’t have any good ideas. Luckily for you, Sound of the Sound is wearing a cape, a mask and svelte tights with a sock in the crotch. Nice bulge? We know. Here’s a preview of your weekend in the form of someone eavesdropping on a scenester having a cell phone conversation with an unknown entity. We’ll call this fictional character Iggy Crane because I’m afraid I’ll get sued if I use the first name Ichabod. Food stamps can’t pay for lawyers. Don’t Enjoy.

[Scene: Iggy Crane is a very slight individual with a heroin users build. He's about 6 ft tall, maybe 85 pounds after a huge brunch. His complexion is translucent. It's bleach. One might mistake him for an individual that takes spelunking to a whole another level if it weren't for his body paint jeans and over-sized high tops. Crane wears a five o' clock shadow on his face. He's got Grey hair, dyed of course. It makes him appear to be a man of refinement. A blue hoodie underneath a black leather jacket. Don't ask why. He knows what's up. He's hanging out at Cafe Zoka in the U-District.]

[Iggy Crane dialing one of his uber cool buddies. One of his uber cool buddies answers the phone -- on the last ring of course.]

Iggy: Yeah man. What’s going on? What’s going on this weekend? Got any plans?

[....]

Iggy: Well on Friday night I can’t decide what I want to do. As of right now I feel like raging but I’m not sure where. There’s so many shows this weekend. I wish I were Michael Keaton in Multiplicity, only with better results obviously. There’s going to be shenanigans taking place at the Funhouse. How fitting right? Hounds of the Wild Hunt are going to be opening up the gates of Hell for the greatest Misfits cover band of all-time, Glenn or Glenda?

[Iggy pauses to take a sip of coffee and look at who is walking on the Burke-Gilman. Nobody that is traversing its path holds his gaze. He thus turns his attention back to his cellular device.]

Iggy: That’s not a question idiot. That’s the band, Glenn or Glenda? They named the band that because there is a female performer who plays the role of Glenn Danzig while her better half portrays Glennda Danzig. “Glennda is the repressed feminine aspect of Glenn Danzig brought to life, rescuing him from his own machismo through glamour and hilarity.” I swear I did not get that from a press release. In other words, Glenn or Glennda are absolutely ingenious. I’m surprised Glenn or Glenda is not the biggest celebration on Halloween every year. It’s the only day of the year they perform and it’s amazing every single time.

[....]

Iggy: What? You’re thinking about going to that Lesbian CD release show at the Comet with Brothers of the Sonic Cloth and Diminished Men? Argh. Moments like this make me wish all the venues were built on top of one another like some kind of skyscraper of debauchery. Have you heard that new Lesbian record? It slays, literally. I heard three people died on the night of its release due to rocking too hard! Where’s Tipper Gore when you need her!?! Let’s prosecute records to the fullest extent of the law.

[....]

Iggy: Shut-up. You do not want to have sex with Tipper Gore. Why would you do that? Gross. I hear Mrs. Gore is a huge fan of Throne of Bone and Owen Hart. Maybe you’ll see her at the Block Lodge later? It’s a tough call between that, the Comet and the Funhouse. I didn’t even mention that You.May.Die.In.The.Desert. is rocking Healthy Times Fun Club as well. I wish Halloween was tonight, that way I could go all out and put myself in a coma until Monday morning.

[...]

Read the rest of Iggy’s one-sided conversation after the jump …

Iggy: So what if I don’t have a job and every day is Friday? Jealousy rears its ugly head. What about Saturday? What are you getting into?

[A good five minutes passes before Iggy sneaks in another word. He spends this time messing around with his shoelaces, playing with his hair and smoking a cigarette. He's using social cues to set a trap but nobody takes the bait.]

Iggy: Wow. I can’t believe you sold a third of your pathetic record collection so you could buy a ticket on Craigslist to see Sufjan Stevens at the Paramount. That’s dedication right there. You could have held onto those limited edition Eddie Murphy “Party All The Time” seven inches and still made it to the Halloween Party at the Black Lodge.   It’s going to be a thing of beauty. Wild Orchid Children, Strong Killings, Triumph of Lethargy and Past Lives. There will be lunatics in Halloween costumes. There will be mistletoe on every square inch of the ceiling….

[Gets interrupted.]

Iggy: What do you mean, “I better buy chapstick?” That was a joke. In fact, I’m not sure I want to see you at the Black Lodge. You’re socially awkward. I want you to stay far away from me. Why don’t you go to the Come As You Aren’t Party at the Skylark in West Seattle?  Watch It Sparkle will be performing, they’re a band that has been getting some buzz as of late. Seattle’s most fun live band, WE Wrote the Book on Connectors will be there as will. There’s on catch that makes that will make this night all the more memorable. Everyone who performs will be performing a set as another musical act. I know who’s going to be performing as who but I’m not going to tell you. I’m that cool. You can check my tweets geek. Follow me.

[.......]

Iggy: I didn’t make mention of Sonny and the Sunsets playing Neumo’s along with Best Coast because I don’t know who those bands are. I don’t look at Pitchfork, Brooklyn Vegan, Collective Zine, Gorilla Bear, Buddyhead or any other website. I only read my own blog, you know that. I wrote about the Fences/Hey Marseilles billing at the Columbia City Theater on Heroin C’est Bien. That beautiful venue should bring the best out of both acts. I hear there will be many folks exuding the Halloween spirit too.

[....]

Iggy: I’m going to be a zombie come Sunday morning. Even though that day is actually Halloween, it’s probably the most calm evening as far as nightlife is concerned this weekend. There are two shows that I’m thinking about attending. The criminally underrated group the Damage Done will be rocking the Sunset on All Hallows Eve. If that is too much punk rock for you to handle, drink a nice glass of Champagne Champagne at the Comet. By the time Sunday night rolls around, you might want to observe the group instead of living out their namesake.

[....]

Iggy: Yeah man. Let me know how everything goes if I don’t see you. I’ll be one of the 9,292,491,292 people dressed up as a Chilean miner around the city. It’ll be like Where’s Waldo in the Emerald City. Look for me sandwiched between four Lady Gaga’s outside Honeyhole.